Since my host is a gaming site, they demanded that I post some gaming content this week. I originally was going to post pictures of myself cosplaying as various female Squaresoft characters, but eventually I decided that probably wouldn’t be the best idea. I mean, let’s face it; the world just isn’t ready for more pictures of me in drag. So instead I wrote up an article on bad game levels. Why pick on bad levels? Well, partially because it makes me feel better about my own pathetic attempts at level design, but mainly because tearing down other people’s work makes me feel like a big man. A big man in a dress, perhaps, but a big man all the same.

The Top 10 Worst Video Game Levels

Early example of bad level design. Note the lack of crates, colored lighting, and spiders.

Bad video games. We’ve all played them (well, unless you’re amish or some crazy luddite, in which case go back to churning butter or dealing drugs or whatever it is you technology-haters do in between not watching tv) but what is it about bad video games that makes them so bad? It could be the shitty graphics, terrible controls, or the words "John Romero’s" in the title, but 9 times out of 10 the answer, unequivocally, is bad level design. Every time you’re playing a bad game and remarking to yourself how much the game sucks you can probably thank the level designer for not doing his or her job. You see, most people don’t know this, but level design is easily the most important part of a game. It’s the part that ties all the other major elements of the game together. When executed properly a good level can turn a game into a rousing success. When executed poorly, however, it can turn an otherwise good game into a pathetic parade of utter failure that makes you want to find the game’s level designer and brutally beat them to death with their own brushes.

Which brings us to tonight’s feature: a Top 10 list of what I deem the absolute worst examples of level design in the history of gaming. It is a list compiled from both games I remember as a child and games which I’m ashamed to admit I still own today. Please note that I had to stick mostly to platform and FPS games since those are my areas of gaming expertise. Also, I tried to limit my list to semi-popular games, because otherwise this would probably just be a list of Tekwar's first 10 levels. Other than that I consider this list 100% accurate and challenge anyone to prove otherwise (note: due to the high improbability of proving me wrong, most emails, unless immensely entertaining, will be ignored).

10. Quake 4 (PC) - Interior Hangar

Pictured: Most of the goddamned level.

Okay, now don’t get me wrong; I’m not saying this is the worst level in Quake 4. Hell, it could be the best for all I know. But since I stopped playing the game at this point I’ll give Raven the benefit of the doubt and assume that it’s the worst. Who knows, maybe the rest of the game is phenomenal. Maybe it’s better than sex with the pope. All I know is that I hated this map. I hated it a lot. If I had to make a list of the top 100 places in the universe I’d never want to be, this map would probably be in the top 10, somewhere between a Harlem ghetto at midnight and Michael Jackson’s bedroom. In fairness to Raven’s level design team, however, I should point out that my negative impressions of this level were only based on the 10% of it I could actually see. The rest was obscured in complete and utter darkness. Why? The fuck if I know. Maybe the Strogg forgot to pay the utilities this month or maybe they just have really good night vision because their diet consists entirely of carrots. Whatever the case, all I’m trying to say here is that no level should ever be this dark and gloomy. Seriously, I’ve seen Tool videos more bright and upbeat than this map. For those of you who still haven’t played Quake 4 yet, I’d recommend checking out the hilarious screenshots in IGN’s game guide. Is this a strategy guide or a website on urban exploring?

9. Sonic The Hedgehog (Sega Genesis) – Labyrinth Zone

The only way this could be worse is if the water below me was actually piss.

The Labyrinth Zone. This terrible waste of cartridge space is just as boring and tedious as its name implies. I refuse to believe that Sonic Team intended this level to be anything but abysmal when they named it after something most people find synonymous with torture and frustration. As proof of this I offer the official definition of “labyrinth” from Merriam-Webster:

labyrinth - noun 1. an intricate combination of paths or passages in which it is difficult to find one's way or to reach the exit. 2. a maze of paths bordered by high hedges, as in a park or garden, for the amusement of those who search for a way out. 3. a complicated or tortuous arrangement, as of streets or buildings. 4. any confusingly intricate state of things or events; a bewildering complex

Do any of those definitions sound fun to you? Of course not, because if you’re a normal human being with even the slightest grasp of the word “fun”, the idea of a labyrinth zone sounds about as exciting as a zone set entirely in Scott Baio’s colon. This level wasn’t just a bad idea. It was an empirically bad idea, and the fact that Sonic Team sandwiched it between the best two zones in their game shows that even they knew how bad it was. Well, congratulations guys! Enjoy your #9 spot on the list.

Next Page ->